By Matt Cates
EFES, Turkey (Scum Hive) – After an exhausting press tour for Galactic Empire Studios’ newest box office hit Palpatine: Origins, Darth Vader, the emperor’s right hand man and Dark Lord of the Sith, announced he was extending his European vacation in order to visit Turkey and Greece.
“Actually,” he noted, “I’m thinking of cutting out the trip to Greece. You know. Meh. I’ll just stay here in Turkey. This place is my cup of tea! I like the culture, I like to food. The carpets. And I love the way they handle business here. There’s no, ‘Ohh, let’s hear and respect everyone’s opinion and blah blah.’ It’s not like in Europe; those liberal scum.”
When asked what he thought about diplomatic relations between the two governments, Vader didn’t beat around the bush.
“I can picture us all getting along quite well. Better than me and Trump. Who is that guy kidding? And what’s the deal with the hair? Seriously, he should just shave it and go straight up bald like Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. God, I love that movie. But did I answer your question? No, I think I didn’t. So, yeah, I’ll go ahead and say we – that is, the Empire – might ask if we can set up an outpost here, start doing some trade with these friendly folks. Have you felt the bathrobes? Such soft cottony goodness! Honestly, the textile industry here is awesome, I don’t know what they’re doing, but clearly they do.”
Spotted parasailing off the Aegean Sea coast later in the day, Vader also visited the ancient ruins of Ephesus (Efes) just south of Izmir, where Scum Hive was able to catch up with him to ask what his favorite thing about the country was.
“The history. Absolutely. Some of these old walls you see around the towns are, like, from the Byzantine Empire. It’s incredible. Most people don’t realize I’m sort of a history geek. I guess because, uh, we [the Empire] have a tendency to blow up planets, so people sort of label us as the quote-unquote bad guys. Well, bad guys are people, too. And some of us happen to like history, okay?”